“I love to do up my double-storey terrace house to make it look more attractive. I have always believed in keeping a lovely home, but my husband is different. His tastes are very different. We often argue and I sulk because we go for different things and have different tastes,” an unhappy wife confessed.   

“Why didn’t you two talk about these things before you got married? You should have known him better then and not try to change him now. You can’t change his perspectives now. You are married for 10 years. How do you change someone’s mindset? He has his reasons. It’s not that easy although I can suggest some ways,” I cautioned.    

After chatting for some time with the wife, I came to understand more about her spouse's background. He came from a very humble background where money was scarce. When he was studying overseas, he was often penniless as his parents could ill afford an overseas education. But he was bent on going abroad and told his parents he only needed an air-ticket and he would be self-sufficient there. This, he did. He worked – he moonlighted and earned enough to see himself through a university education. Soon he became a graduate and enough secured himself a job.

I gathered he worked for more than ten years in the USA and saved every penny as he had to start from scratch. As a filial son, he even sent home money. He was a non-smoker and a teetotaller. Finally, one day, after saving enough, he decided to come back to Malaysia because this is where, he felt, he belonged. He had got the experience he needed and knew armed with his overseas experience and his qualifications he would secure himself a good job. So, he did!

However, things were not so rosy for him after his marriage. Little did he realise that different perspectives would affect his life terribly. Looking at his background, his main aim in life was to earn as much as possible while still young to secure a good future for his parents, himself, his wife and his children. So, he worked hard – real hard not only in his workplace but also at home helping with the day-to-day household chores. He was a serious worker who had a goal in life but a goal not shared by his spouse! That was the beginning of a relationship that was no longer healthy.

“I don’t like the way he dresses. He is always in that old t-shirt and shorts. I wish he would dress more appropriately. He ought to be more presentable. He never dresses up and I wish he would go and shop,” his young wife groaned. Their age difference was ten years apart.

On another occasion, she called to confide, “Even the furniture here is so Spartan. I want to do up my home but he thinks it is a waste of money. He just wants to save.”

As if to say that was not enough of a complaint, that evening, I received another phone call, “I do not like that rickety car of his. All my friends drive lovely cars. Look at ours – it’s so lousy. I wish he would change his car.”

Here we have two different personalities – one is serious and matured and thinks little of appearances. New flashy cars and expensive furniture are not among his likes. He is more comfortable when he is under-dressed and living a simple life-style. He needed a partner who would understand his preferences. However, he married some one ten years younger, who had a different – in fact - an opposite view of life. She was more materialistic and valued status symbols more than character.

While he preferred to work and save for a rainy day, she, on the contrary, liked to travel, spend, dress well, decorate the home and go around in a flashy car. To her, fun is very important while he believed that if you save now, you will have all the fun in the world later.

This reminds me of the modern concept adopted by many of our kids today who prefer to travel while still young and use up most of their savings compared to the previous generation that saved first and hardly travelled.

I suggest they come to a compromise. It is not easy to change one’s entire view of life to suit another’s but for the marriage to work, I guess, she could buy him some new t-shirts from her earnings as gifts for his hard work and pay towards the car to make it a joint purchase. She has to make an effort to understand his situation and  his background before trying to change his perspective of life. Here is a clash of personalities and what one needs and wants in life. It is, of course, much easier if these two educated people could seriously talk and come to a compromise. Both must meet half-way. There is hope still! Do appearances really matter? Is a car more important than a happy married life?